Dear Josie

Insomnia. I think that's what I have tonight. Here we are, in the middle of one of the busiest times of the year. What am I doing? ...Getting things done! However, tomorrow will be rough....umm...make that today. Hello. It's 12:35 am. Oh  my. 

It hit me this week. I am totally not jotting down some memorable Josie moments like I should. She's really changing and growing so much. It's hard to keep up with her. So, why not have a "Dear Josie" session every once and a while to log the memories? Here we go.

Dear Josie,

This week, you have blown me away. Always on the go...always watching...always thinking. Your BB says, "No wonder she sleeps so well!" You're still taking two naps daily to refuel.I like to use that time to prepare for the next Jo-zilla attack.So far, you're not a walker. Hurry up, girl. Two steps ain't cutting it. And...mommy's scared your little fingers are going to get stepped on every time we're around big kids.

You are talking up a storm, and I can't get enough of that sweet little voice. Some of your fav phonics are..(translations following)

"Hi-yah!" = light
"MaaaMaaaahh" = Maya
"MaaaMeee" = Mommy
"Da-Dah!" = Daddy
"Haaaaayah!" = Hallelujah! (preacher's kid!)
"Ha" = Elf (on the shelf)

On Monday, I caught you rocking your baby doll for the first time while you watched your praise baby video. It was so sweet. Of course, I was crying...so I don't have a video. Just believe me. It was adorable, and you will cry too when it's your little girl rocking her baby. Just seems like a month ago that you were that little baby being rocked. Eek! Stop growing up so fast!

Today, I bathed you in the afternoon since we had dinner plans later than usual. You must have been thrilled to see the running bath water....cause you made a special puddle in the floor for me to clean up. Then, you tried to reach in the toilet while I was cleaning it up. Then, you tried escaping out of the bathroom while I put the toilet lid down. Then, I had to run and catch you in the den as you crawled away from me....at warp speed....completely naked. Sigh...you are a mess. You're my angel baby.

Love always,

Mommy

Some things I could never say to my husband...on Facebook!

There are times when I look back on my life and say, "Why didn't I write that down?" This actually happens a lot. I really should use this blog as a catch all for written memories that I'd love for Josie to read one day. If I am really honest, that's what this blog is for. It's a look back on all the good (and some bad) times that life brings along this great journey. Honestly, if people read it and get something out of it--great. If not, that's great, too. It has still served its purpose for me!

I just had one of those "you should write about this" moments while I was recapping the day and putting Josie down for bed.

So, even though there are dishes, and laundry, and everything else, I'm writing...now.

Andrew would kill me if I wrote a catchy/sappy status on facebook about today. Well, he really wouldn't kill me, but I know he wouldn't like it. We're not really one of those couples who write about how much they love each other on their status box...or each others' wall...or anywhere else for that matter. Disclaimer: if you know or are one of those couples...I'm not coming down on them. We're free to be you and me. Just sayin'--Andrew and Meagan USUALLY don't roll like that. So, if I'm breaking our marital code by this post--I'm sorry, babe. I gotta do it, though.

I've been thinking a lot about our fourth anniversary coming up. Today was just a wonderful day. It was busy, but wonderful. I had planned on getting up and leaving for Charleston around 9, since my bestie (Camille) was having her baby shower. The plan was to bring Josie, until Andrew and I saw how the weather was panning out. We threw around some different options--all of which I wasn't thrilled about (going to the shower without Josie, not going at all...) Finally, Andrew said that he'd drive to Charleston with me.

"Yippee, you say. Shouldn't he have done that from the beginning?"

Here's the clincher.

Normally, since Andrew's a pastor, he uses Saturday as a true rest day. Pastors don't really get Sundays off, so Saturday it is! However, today our church had a ministry event taking place most of the afternoon and into early evening. So you see, Andrew had a busy day already. He still made time for his family. Can I just say something? This is one of the many things that I love about my husband. (Ouch. Sappy moment #1...sorry, babe.)

So, we busted it to get out the door this morning. Josie napped in the car on the way down and back (which for all you parents who are like us, that means no talking between Mommy and Daddy). After all, you're not gonna disrupt car slumber....unless you are crazy! Andrew dropped us off at the shower, and we stayed for a little over an hour, since we had to be back in Columbia asap. As we drove back to Columbia, I could tell Andrew was sleepy. Since Josie was asleep, we weren't talking, there was no radio, and it was overcast outside (the worst stay awake combo ever!) He kept on chugging, and we made it back in time for us to split ways for a bit, and meet back up for the event held tonight in a local park. He hasn't stopped since.

Andrew jumped in finished his work day with our wonderful church. In fact, he's still there now. His whole Saturday...loving on us...and loving on others. I drove home blissfully content with the man God has blessed me with. (Sorry to use the word "blissfully," ...sappy strikes again.)

God wants men to lead their families and provide for them. So many men have great intentions, but they get it all wrong. They provide things that money can buy: clothes, vacations, toys, and entertainment. Keep in mind that I'm not against any of these. However, they are not the provisions that we need most. God calls husbands in Ephesians to "love [their] wives as Christ loved the church." This love should guide and lead a wife by pointing her closer to Jesus. Today, my husband did that. He sacrificed for his family. All the things money can buy could not be more precious to me than this.

So, as I sit here typing this and watch our daughter sleep, I will say a few final things to a few people.

To Robert and Cookie: Thank you. You raised a wonderful man.
To Josie: I pray God leads you to someone just like Daddy.
To my parents: Thanks for praying for me every day of my life. I know you already know this, but I got a good one!
To Andrew: I love you. I see how you purposefully and lovingly lead our family, and I can't tell you how thankful I am. I found the greatest gift when I found you.

And there it is...sappiness.

 But, it's the truth.

Can't weight....

Having a baby changes everything. When you hear this overused phrase, you tend to think, “Yeah, I know that.” You realize that your easy overnight trips, sleeping in til 10am, late night ice cream runs, and all day errands will change. You realize that it’s all worth it, and that you’ll never look back. You realize that your body will change. Again, it’s worth it. However, what you don’t realize about your body is that it won’t change back as easily. Add a crazy level of prenatal and postpartum hormones that are completely individualized and can last for months after delivery. Whew. Hello change.

Never have I ever struggled with my weight. Until now. Not just my weight, people… My face is breaking out, eczema is flaring up, and now when I sneeze….I should be crossing my legs (if you know what I mean.) This, my friends, is motherhood in the raw. This is what is leftover once you have your beautiful, bouncing baby! Honestly, I thought I’d bounce back in time. Fast forward through a lot of weeks and….nope. In fact, I initially lost weight, and then gained again. Don’t get me wrong. Like I said initially, it is completely worth it. Still, there is something that will break your heart when you’re looking in the mirror at 3, 5, 8, 9 (eek!) months later…and you still haven’t lost all the weight.

Then, the comparing comes in. Facebook is an awesome way to keep up with friends and family. I am able to introduce my daughter to many friends who might not meet her otherwise. Others can watch her grow and develop, and for this networking, I am extremely grateful. Facebook, however, is the WORST idea when you’re insecure about ANYTHING. Everyone on facebook loves posting all their good pictures, good stories, wins, promotions, etc. You get the picture. No one ever posts, “Hey guys…feelin’ chubby today. Don’t have a thing in my closet. Peace out.” No one ever posts, “Hey guys. Got dumped today. Gonna keep on truckin’!” It just doesn’t work that way. So, why do we feel the need to compare ourselves with those who aren’t really showing themselves as they really are? They’re not showing us the good, the bad, the ugly. They’re showing us what they WANT us to see. Big difference—big problem.

Then, here comes the advice. Disclaimer: To those who’ve encouraged from the heart or not said a word when you could have (wink, wink)… Thank you. To those of you who know it all…congratulations. Let me know how that turns out for you down the road. I mean, come on, y’all. There is a time where advice should be kept to yourself. I’ve heard it all.

“You should cut out meat.”

“You should eat meat.”

“You should run.”

“Nursing is the best weight loss.” (I had to stop nursing Josie after several months due to medical issues. This is kind of a sore spot with me to say the least.)

“You should do hot yoga!” (Haven’t heard that one, but I am all about some hot yoga)

“You should pay a sitter and go workout.”

“You should go to the gym right after school after you’ve been away from Josie all day and get home around 5 and just spend 2 hours with her that day.” (nope!)

“If Josie were more active, you’d be skinnier because you’d be chasing her.”

“You should have another baby?” (Say what???)

“You should pay $ and sign up for this program, because it’s the best there is. It worked for me.”

“You should listen to me, because I have been in your exact situation with your exact life and your exact strengths and weaknesses, and this is what I did…” (Wait a sec, that’s right. No one has ever said that….or been able to.)

Recently, I had a close friend ask me for advice about her baby registry. I was thrilled when she asked me, but I made the disclaimer immediately,

“I can only tell you what has worked for me. It may not work for you, and it may not even work for anyone else.”

Two conditions should be present for advice:

1. It’s solicited. (Am I guilty of breaking this rule….umm, yes.)
2. You make the above disclaimer each time.

Don’t get me wrong y’all. I know you’re just trying to help, but some people haven’t learned an important word…

Tact (a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense)

In life, you can do two things when you’re confronted with situations that stink. You can dwell in them, on them, and everywhere around them. Or, you can learn something and move on. I have to choose to move on. God wouldn’t want me wasting my time checking out my skinny mama friends on facebook (or non-mamas…). He wouldn’t want me crying to my mama about it or looking back at pre-baby pics. He’d want me to find Him in this. What is he teaching me?

1. My identity is solely found in Jesus Christ.

God doesn’t care about my looks, and He only cares about my body in how I use it to honor Him. I choose only to concern myself with being attractive for my husband and no other man, woman, or facebook entourage. I will choose to make healthy decisions for my life because they honor God, and they will keep my body strong to take care of my husband, child, and serve in my church and community. 

2. I need to practice self-discipline.

From biting my tongue during painful advice to driving past Sonic’s ½ off during the summer milkshakes…I’ve had to rely on God for self-discipline. He is teaching me so much.

Ok, that’s it. This wasn’t meant to be a rant, please know that. I truly hope this post will only help those who identify with the same feelings or encourage others to think about those who may. Until next time…cause, it’s time to work out ;-)

Pathetic...

Disclaimer: I started this post when Josie was 5 months old. She is now 8 months old, and I've committed to getting back into the swing of things with this blog, hoping to keep family and friend updated. If you wanted the story of Josie's birth (minus the ugly details...here it is!)


That's the perfect adjective to describe me as a blogger! Oh, my! Well, I do hate excuses. However, would you believe that we've been a little busy around here? Our sweet Josie Ann Winburn is now five (yes, FIVE) months old as of last Friday. If it's even possible, I love her more each day. She brings so much joy to our lives, and we are beyond thankful for the blessing she is!

Everything in life happens for a reason. I've always believed that, but we have lived that saying over the past five months. As some of you may know, our Josie was born with some issues causing her to end up in the NICU for her first week with us. I haven't shared the full story, so I'll attempt it here. Hang on...

As I was nearing the end of my third trimester, the doctors started closely watching my blood pressure. I had some serious swelling in my lower extremities from 25 weeks on, and they were concerned that I'd develop pre-eclampsia (a serious condition affecting mommy's blood pressure that can be deadly.) I was limited to working half days at school, and since Josie was predicted to be above 8 pounds, the doctors decided to induce me at 39 weeks. We were scheduled to go to Baptist for our induction on Sunday, October 14th. I was to have a foley bulb induction (something I'd heard horror stories about.) Well, the induction worked...even though I realized that I'd been contracting all weekend prior to the induction. The nurse just laughed. Here I am...a nurse, and I didn't even know I was having contractions for days. Monday morning of October 15th came early. They started pitocin early, and even though I had some set backs that morning (two epidurals since the first didn't work), things were going well. In fact, not to sound like super mama, but I really never was begging for the epidural. The nurse kept checking on me, and I never was in any extreme pain. That would soon change! An hour went by, and I had dilated 5 cm. That's unheard of, especially for the first baby. So, here we were. I was 8 cm, and we knew the doctor anticipated Josie being here by mid-late afternoon. Not too shabby. We were so excited. Well, 10cm was upon us, and you know what time it was. Pushing time! Dr. Odom said he'd allow me two hours. "Please," I thought. "I'll have this girl here in 30 minutes."

It didn't work like that.

You see, I worked hard....very hard. The nurses kept telling me I was doing "everything right." However, no Josie. Miss Priss decided that she didn't want to/couldn't make that special turn in the birth canal to come and meet us. Her heart rate was perfect on the monitor throughout the whole day. I tried for 2 1/2 hours....and no baby. At this point, the epidural had stopped working. Unfortunately, I never reaped the full benefits of an epidural. Josie's foot was in my ribs for a big portion of labor, and I thought I might have to just come off of that table! In full surrender, I sadly agreed to go to c-section for us to meet sweet Josie. The pain at this point was overwhelming. My epidural had completely stopped working, and I felt every contraction. Birthing a baby ain't for the wimpy. I thought I would snap the arm rail of that bed in half. I was rushed to the OR, and they promised me a quick spinal anesthesia procedure. They were right. I immediately got another spinal pain medicine, and I was good to go. No, my plan did not include Josie being born via c-section, but I did want her healthy. Oh well. At least we'd have her soon, I thought. 

I could not have been more wrong. What happened next was without a doubt one of the best and worst experiences of my life.

You dream about the moment that you will see your baby, hear them cry, quickly count their fingers and toes, and become a mommy. My moment was so beautiful. I've never loved Andrew more, and without a doubt--I've never loved anyone at first sight like Josie. She was beautiful and perfect. Apgar scores were 8 and 9 (out of 10)! They whisked Josie away with Andrew to newborn nursery, while I stayed put. After all, I was open on an OR table. My c-section was awesome. The doctors, nurses and I had the best time. We laughed, made jokes, I threw up a few times, laughed about it, and so on...Yes, I may have lost a little too much blood, but that's why I chose an amazing OB practice. Dr. Odom definitely did his job! I was sent to recovery with no complications. 

I remember laying in recovery and thinking of nothing but Josie. I couldn't wait to get my hands on her! I watched the clock like a hawk, knowing that the nursery nurse was probably giving her newborn medications, weighing her, obtaining length/head circumference measurements, and probably getting footprints. I tried to imagine the whole thing in my head. Time passed, and no Andrew or Josie. I was beginning to think something was wrong. Maybe she was just a little cold and needed to warm up, maybe they needed to get a blood sugar (since I was a borderline gestational diabetic--that's another story), maybe she was just so cute and our family was snapping away with the cameras. At this point...I just wanted my baby. 

When Andrew walked through the door alone, my heart sank. I knew something was wrong. Andrew told me that Josie was not breathing like she should, and I immediately when into nurse interrogation mode. Was she on the ventilator? What was her color like? Did they have a mask on her? Was her blood sugar too low? I went on and on...and of course, Andrew didn't know the answers. I was so helpless. Here I was (in recovery), and if I could have moved my legs, I would have sprinted to my baby. Our sweet nurse came into recovery to update me. I cried as she explained Josie's situation. Josie was experiencing transient tachypnea of the newborn, or TTN. Basically, something like 1% of infants experience TTN. Babies either have trouble clearing fluid from the lungs or extra fluid remains causing rapid and labored breathing, or respiratory distress. These babies need oxygen support and special monitoring for a period of time. Usually, they recover completely with no lasting side effects from the condition. That's the problem in a nut shell. Unfortunately, Josie was monitored in newborn nursery (and not NICU) for the first 24 hours. I believe she should have gone to NICU directly, but that was not the case. Since babies with TTN do not need any extra stimulation or added stress, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold Josie until her breathing normalized. 

As I sit and type this, I am transported back in time and filled with same emotions that consumed me. Andrew and I felt so helpless. As I was transported to my postpartum room, we passed Josie in the hall way. The doctors, respiratory therapists, and nurses were wheeling her to the nursery for the evening. Obviously, we knew she'd stay there under observation. I was allowed to put my hand through the peep holes of the isolette and touch my sweet baby. It wasn't enough, but it was ten million times better than nothing. Andrew and I spent that night without our Josie...so different from what we'd anticipated. We prayed for her quick transition out of TTN. Throughout the night, Andrew checked on Josie. After the c-section, I was bedridden until the morning. It was pure torture knowing that Josie was just across the hall, but I couldn't physically access her. 

The next day was full of more torture. Josie wasn't doing better. In fact, it seemed she was worse. Thankfully, I learned that I'd be able to get out of bed that day to go see her. I clearly remember my mom and mother in law's faces as they came to our room after peeking at Josie through the nursery windows. Both of them had tears in their eyes, and I knew she was not okay. Tuesday afternoon, Andrew wheeled me over to see our baby. We were helpless. Josie was not okay, and we knew this wasn't going to resolve on its own. The NICU doctors came to evaluate Josie further, and the decision was made to transport her down the hall for closer monitoring and observation. I was crushed and relieved at the same time. 

Knowing what Josie was experiencing was the worst initiation into parenthood possible. She was being hooked up to monitors, an IV inserted, a tube down her throat into her stomach, etc. We just wanted to make it all better for her. However, this was our first experience of seeing how resillant our Josie could be. She was a little trooper. Josie was placed on CPAP (similar to a breathing machine used to help patients with sleep apnea.) CPAP provides a continuous airway pressure, which is less stressful on the airways than mechanical ventilation. Initially, Josie's settings were high. She was requiring a good bit of oxygen support. However, Josie settled in and began to make drastic improvements over the days that followed. By Wednesday, we were able to hold her. It was the ultimate delayed gratification. I can't remember how long I held her, but I remember two things: 1. How it felt to hold our baby girl, and 2.She didn't cry at all. She just snuggled up close, and she rested. Her breathing even felt normal! It was a moment I'll never, ever, ever, ever forget. 


Ever...

Over the next few days, God worked a miracle in Josie. Every day brought improvement, and we were able to watch it all. By Thursday, I had to be discharged home...without my baby. Don't ever take a "normal" moment for granted. Taking my baby home from the hospital was something that I hadn't given a second thought, until our ordeal with Josie. It was such an empty feeling. I'd planned on staying in Josie's NICU room (baptist has an awesome rooming in set-up.) However, with recovering from a c-section (which is doable, but not easy)...I knew I'd need some help throughout the night. I also didn't think I'd be able to get up and down on the small couch bed available. By Thursday night we were giving Josie her first bath (something she should've gotten the day she was born.) Over the next few days, our parents got to hold Josie. I was able to savor every moment of my mom holding my baby. It was truly precious. By Saturday morning, her CPAP was gone and she was breathing normal room air with no assistance. She even got to watch the Carolina/Florida game with us in her room (which we lost). Because of the limited space in NICU and Josie's improved condition, the doctors decided to transfer her to a step down NICU unit. I was apprehensive about it, even though I knew it meant she was better. Sunday came, and we were told that Josie was well enough to go home. However, the doctors wanted her to finish her course of antibiotics. My maternal grandparents and dad held her for the first time that day. I can still remember watching them hold sweet Josie. On Tuesday, just over a week after she was born, we got to take our Josie home.

You may not think so, but I actually left a good bit out of that story. Some good things...some bad things. One thing is certain, God truly blessed us with our little girl, Josie. We will never take her entrance into this world for granted. Therefore, we will never take her life for granted. Years ago, babies like Josie would not have made it. Today, because of God and the workmanship of people he has gifted as doctors and nurses, we have a sweet, smiling, happy girl. 

We have had other issues with Miss Josie since then: milk/soy protein intolerance, RSV, two hospitalizations in January, etc. Through it all, God is faithful and keeps her safe and happy. We couldn't be more thankful to him, and we know He has special plans for our daughter. We're privileged to just be a part of her growth and knowledge of God. We love her so much.

I hope you've enjoyed this rather long post of details about Josie's birthday. We're hoping her 1st birthday is a little less eventful! ;-)